Why?

The other day, a good friend of mine, one I consider to be very open-minded and non-judgmental, basically told me that in regards to my relationship, I am “the girl” and Laura is “the boy.”  This really pissed me off.  We are BOTH “the girl” because we are GAY.  Laura thinks that I shouldn’t sweat about it, being that it’s an uphill battle and I’m “smarter than that.”  It’s true, that it’s not MY job to educate people and their perceptions of my girlfriend and me are just that, perceptions, but I get so pissed sometimes when people force me to explain away my homosexuality.  I am GAY, I love a woman and if something were to go horribly wrong and my relationship with Laura were to come to an end, I WOULD NOT CONSIDER BEING WITH A MAN AGAIN.

I know that I am not what most people think of when they think of a lesbian; I am not disgusted by men, I am not inexperienced with men, I DO understand why a woman would want to be with one.  However, my experiences with men and my experiences with woman have made me realize who I am, what I want, and what I feel.  I know that the intricacies of my sexuality are nobody’s business except my own but I often do not feel content stating just that when someone challenges this part of my identity, especially when it is a friend I trust and respect.  I wish I could do what Laura says and just respond with, “No, I am GAY, that’s it.  There’s nothing I want to explain to you.”

Perhaps it’s because I’m only recently comfortable and confident in stating my sexuality and because I can finally define it/explain it for myself that I feel like there is no “short answer” to any of those prying questions.  Because I can say, yes, I’ve had relationships with men and sexual experience with them, it leaves the curious friend asking questions, I often feel the need to delve into the topic with them.  Maybe it’s because I want people to know there are a lot of people like me out there, people with pasts that don’t equate with the reality of their identity.  Maybe it’s because the obnoxious lesbians who have put me down for my lack of experience with women/acknowledgment of experience with men did succeed in making me feel unworthy.   Maybe I just consistently jump to the conclusion that everyone is challenging me when asking about my sexuality, even when they aren’t. 

I wish I honestly felt that “I’m gay” were the long AND short answer to it all.  I guess when I’m older and my past is further away from me, that will be true.  For now I feel like a 25 year old “baby dyke” combating every ignorant comment or question in some vain effort to prove myself.  I’ve always been defensive, about everything I am and everything I choose to do.  I just wish I could relax on this one aspect.  For once.

Why is it that now that I am in a committed loving relationship with the girl of my dreams I am constantly seeing hotties?

If someone had told me a year ago that my Dad would be so accepting of my “lifestyle”  (as he calls it, which is fine to me), I would have been shocked and then proceeded to tell him right away, in person, that I’m gay.

He came to visit the other day and asked how my Mom is taking it all.  I started to mention that I left a comment on her Facebook about the nearest PFLAG group and he immediately said, “Oh yeah the one in Brookside.  I looked that up a long time ago.”  I almost hugged him (we really only hug good-bye so that’s a big deal).  I don’t know why he looked into it a while ago because I don’t think that he knew before I told him, but whether or not it had to do with me, just hearing that made me to happy that he is my dad.

It’s been years since I sent my Dad a Father’s Day card due to a fight we had on Father’s Day years ago, but this year I am definitely going to change that.  He deserves a Father’s Year card.