I work at Starbucks.  This happened the other night when it was pretty dead at the store.

Customer:  Would it be gay if I ordered a Cinnamon Dolce Latte?

Me: I’m sorry?

Customer:  Would it be gay if I ordered a Cinnamon Dolce Latte?

Me: Would it be gay?

Customer: Well not gay, but like stupid?  I mean do guys order those?

Me: Um I dunno, guys order all sorts of things.

Customer:  Okay I’ll have that.

I’m just shocked there are people out there that think it’s okay so say things like that to total strangers.  I don’t expect him to know that I am gay and therefore not to say that to ME, but c’mon!  We were brain-storming afterward of funny things to say back to him.  Like “So, do you want to suck on a big fat cock now?”  But the best was after he left.  I thought wouldn’t it be great if I said to him, “You know ordering that latte wasn’t very gay but it was pretty Jewish of you not to leave a tip.”

Why?

The other day, a good friend of mine, one I consider to be very open-minded and non-judgmental, basically told me that in regards to my relationship, I am “the girl” and Laura is “the boy.”  This really pissed me off.  We are BOTH “the girl” because we are GAY.  Laura thinks that I shouldn’t sweat about it, being that it’s an uphill battle and I’m “smarter than that.”  It’s true, that it’s not MY job to educate people and their perceptions of my girlfriend and me are just that, perceptions, but I get so pissed sometimes when people force me to explain away my homosexuality.  I am GAY, I love a woman and if something were to go horribly wrong and my relationship with Laura were to come to an end, I WOULD NOT CONSIDER BEING WITH A MAN AGAIN.

I know that I am not what most people think of when they think of a lesbian; I am not disgusted by men, I am not inexperienced with men, I DO understand why a woman would want to be with one.  However, my experiences with men and my experiences with woman have made me realize who I am, what I want, and what I feel.  I know that the intricacies of my sexuality are nobody’s business except my own but I often do not feel content stating just that when someone challenges this part of my identity, especially when it is a friend I trust and respect.  I wish I could do what Laura says and just respond with, “No, I am GAY, that’s it.  There’s nothing I want to explain to you.”

Perhaps it’s because I’m only recently comfortable and confident in stating my sexuality and because I can finally define it/explain it for myself that I feel like there is no “short answer” to any of those prying questions.  Because I can say, yes, I’ve had relationships with men and sexual experience with them, it leaves the curious friend asking questions, I often feel the need to delve into the topic with them.  Maybe it’s because I want people to know there are a lot of people like me out there, people with pasts that don’t equate with the reality of their identity.  Maybe it’s because the obnoxious lesbians who have put me down for my lack of experience with women/acknowledgment of experience with men did succeed in making me feel unworthy.   Maybe I just consistently jump to the conclusion that everyone is challenging me when asking about my sexuality, even when they aren’t. 

I wish I honestly felt that “I’m gay” were the long AND short answer to it all.  I guess when I’m older and my past is further away from me, that will be true.  For now I feel like a 25 year old “baby dyke” combating every ignorant comment or question in some vain effort to prove myself.  I’ve always been defensive, about everything I am and everything I choose to do.  I just wish I could relax on this one aspect.  For once.

Lines from one of THOSE guys…

He approached me at the el.  I was wearing my winter hat with my hood over it and listening to headphones.

“Oh that’s one thing we have in common, we both like girls.”

“You ever think about being with a guy?  Cause I’m not just a guy, I’m THAT guy.”

“You ever come so hard your legs shake?”

“I’d be the best you ever had.”

“What’s the most orgasms you ever had?  Mine’s like 5 cause I’m not the kinda guy who goes soft after I bust.  I get mad and stay hard.”

“I’m a Pisces and I’m like emotional.  I grew up with my mom and three sisters.  I’m still a MAN though, I’m not a pussy.”

Yep, heard it all before.  Funny how they all think their the one who’s gonna make the difference.