Today I was outside with my neighbors.  They were having a party and although I have lived in the same house for 3 years, I never really talked to them.  They are all Puerto Rican and I was afraid they wouldn’t like me because I am gay.  Well I was swimming in the pool with the kids and one of the girls, who couldn’t be more than 12, asked me if I liked kids.  I said I did but that I probably wasn’t going to have any.  She asked why and I just said, “Because I am gay.”  She replied “So?  You can still have kids.  You could adopt.”  This made me incredibly happy.  I should have talked to them so long ago but I am glad I finally did.

Went to my grandfather’s funeral this past weekend.  He never knew that I am gay.  I figured it was something that he could rest in peace never knowing.  We weren’t super close, but he has been my only grandfather since I was 8 years old.  I know he loved me, but I also know that he probably wouldn’t have been very tolerant of my sexual orientation/decision to live openly.  Either way, spending time with my aunt, uncle, two cousins, great aunt, sister, mother, father, and others I didn’t know too well made it very clear just how much of a ‘black sheep’ I really am in my family.  Aside from being gay and in a relationship with a woman, I am the only smoker, the only one with tattoos, probably the only Atheist, and the only one without any defined career plans.  My cousins are total JAPs (Jewish American Princess) and I have never been able to relate to them.  I don’t believe any of them know that I am gay, yet they only need to look at my Facebook briefly to find out.

Comfort for this though lies in the fact that my immediate family is also kind of odd in comparison to the rest of the family.  None of us have been in perfect-seeming relationships and all wear our negative feelings on our sleeves—resentment, anger, distrust, jealousy, etc.  We’ve always been set apart a bit from the extended family, on both my mother and father’s sides.  Oh well, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  At least we’ve all analyzed each other so much that we have a pretty good grasp on our weirdness.

Why?

The other day, a good friend of mine, one I consider to be very open-minded and non-judgmental, basically told me that in regards to my relationship, I am “the girl” and Laura is “the boy.”  This really pissed me off.  We are BOTH “the girl” because we are GAY.  Laura thinks that I shouldn’t sweat about it, being that it’s an uphill battle and I’m “smarter than that.”  It’s true, that it’s not MY job to educate people and their perceptions of my girlfriend and me are just that, perceptions, but I get so pissed sometimes when people force me to explain away my homosexuality.  I am GAY, I love a woman and if something were to go horribly wrong and my relationship with Laura were to come to an end, I WOULD NOT CONSIDER BEING WITH A MAN AGAIN.

I know that I am not what most people think of when they think of a lesbian; I am not disgusted by men, I am not inexperienced with men, I DO understand why a woman would want to be with one.  However, my experiences with men and my experiences with woman have made me realize who I am, what I want, and what I feel.  I know that the intricacies of my sexuality are nobody’s business except my own but I often do not feel content stating just that when someone challenges this part of my identity, especially when it is a friend I trust and respect.  I wish I could do what Laura says and just respond with, “No, I am GAY, that’s it.  There’s nothing I want to explain to you.”

Perhaps it’s because I’m only recently comfortable and confident in stating my sexuality and because I can finally define it/explain it for myself that I feel like there is no “short answer” to any of those prying questions.  Because I can say, yes, I’ve had relationships with men and sexual experience with them, it leaves the curious friend asking questions, I often feel the need to delve into the topic with them.  Maybe it’s because I want people to know there are a lot of people like me out there, people with pasts that don’t equate with the reality of their identity.  Maybe it’s because the obnoxious lesbians who have put me down for my lack of experience with women/acknowledgment of experience with men did succeed in making me feel unworthy.   Maybe I just consistently jump to the conclusion that everyone is challenging me when asking about my sexuality, even when they aren’t. 

I wish I honestly felt that “I’m gay” were the long AND short answer to it all.  I guess when I’m older and my past is further away from me, that will be true.  For now I feel like a 25 year old “baby dyke” combating every ignorant comment or question in some vain effort to prove myself.  I’ve always been defensive, about everything I am and everything I choose to do.  I just wish I could relax on this one aspect.  For once.