So obviously the Doreen thing was a total disaster.  Well, it could have been worse.  I lost interest almost immediately, if I ever was interested in the first place.  Then the other night I ran into her girlfriend, who at the edge of tears, asked me if anything ever happened between Doreen and I.  I lied, of course, to save the girl’s feelings, but did admit to staying over in Doreen’s bed.  This tiny bit of truth as enough to upset her quite a bit.  She proceeded to tell me about some of Doreen’s lies, like that Doreen told her that she had told me not to contact her anymore because she was trying to rebuild her relationship.  Hilarious because Doreen was the one telling me how much she liked me and I was very…uninterested.

The only thing that got me was when Kelly said “I had a bad feeling when I first met you because I heard some things.”  Just wondering what she was talking about.  Not that it matters.  I guess I would rather not know in the end.

So I guess I kind of “came out” to my mother yesterday when I met up with her for a shopping trip in New York.  She’s known for years that I like girls, but I finally told her that I am not interested in men at all.  She was surprised but it went pretty well.  I asked her about my dad and what he thinks is going on with me since my facebook posts are pretty gay at times.  I guess he just doesn’t think that it means I am not going to marry a man someday.  Maybe he thinks it’s a phase, maybe he just doesn’t care.  Either way, I can’t wait until I have a girl to introduce him to and gauge his reaction.  My sister and I also had a pretty good conversation about  me being gay.  Not that she didn’t know but it was the first time we blatantly spoke about it.  She is really one of the most important people to me and I knew it would go well, but I was surprised that she never asked annoying questions like my mother has.  Things like “But you’ve dated guys for so long,”  and “Don’t you want to settle down and get married someday?”

I guess as insane as they are, my family is pretty understanding.

I’m going to go poop in the litter box.

I know, I know, not the most creative costume but I didn’t have much to work with this year and actually deciding to be somewhat festive was very very last minute.

So facebook tells me that Melis is officially “in a relationship” and believe it or not I am ecstatic.  I can’t want her anymore.  Now she is completely unavailable.  I mean I’ve been over it, she’s already proven what a self-righteous cunt she is, but this just puts the cherry on top.  It’s just silly that she’s already found herself a girlfriend after just 3 weeks or so when I was the one who was supposedly too clingy.

Been hooking up with this girl Doreen, but SURPRISE she has a gf.  I don’t care if she plans on breaking up with her or not, I don’t really want anything from her.  She’s nice and amazing in bed but I just don’t think our personalities match well enough.  She keeps telling me how much she likes me but I honestly just don’t feel the same way.  I don’t want any part in the impending drama between her  and her girlfriend.

I do have to stop doing some much looking though.  When the right girl comes along I’ll just know, right?

Was on the phone with my dad yesterday talking about how he and his sister never speak and pretty much hate each other.  I was saying how I can’t imagine that happening between my sister and I and he starts talking about how you never know what could happen and one or both of us could marry men who don’t like our sister.  I was about to tell him I’m gay, but I realized another time.  Not really appropriate.

Yesterday I started a journal.  It’s a list of all the qualities my dream girl would possess.

OMG i just creamed my pants.  I’m not always the hugest SJ fan, but every once in a while I find a picture like this and almost explode.

Last night I had a weird dream about hanging out with Ellen Page and her telling me that she had breast implants.  Then today there was a huge article in the daily paper about breast implants.  This is the kind of thing that happens often.  Something from a dream the night before pops into my day and makes me wonder how random dreams really are in the end.  Of course, the dream also involved me stealing pigs from a Japanese restaurant then feeling bad and taking them back but hiding from the owners of the restaurant for fear of them killing me.  Also I took a pregnancy test just for for fun and it came out negative.  I was in a bathroom stall in previously mentioned Japanese restaurant taking the test and when I left the bathroom I said something about the stall being way to small.  Then Ellen Page exited the adjacent stall and laughed at my joke as if it were the funniest thing anyone could say.

I only meet celebrities in my dreams.

Holly

dude you know i used to be like totes in love with you right

Marissa

yeah you know i used to be much more confused about my sexuality though right

Holly

not really

Marissa

you might be the only mo so far that never told me i dont really like girls and that i will just marry a man one day

Holly

you didnt seem THAT scared of pussy

Marissa

lol

i;’m just scared of lesbians

Holly

well i’m not one

Marissa

i tried so hard to be with men for so long

Holly

i fucking hate that word

Marissa

hahah me too

gay is better

Holly

i thought you liked penis

Marissa

queer is best

Holly

QUEER

Marissa

nobody LIKES penis

hahah

no that’s not true

Holly

that is sno not true

Marissa

i just like pleasure but physical pleasure is easy to get if you know what you like

emotional is harder

this is what i realized

I can;t tell men my deepest feelings

but i have always been able to communicate with women easily

and laying with a beautiful woman is heaven

cuddling and everything

you know

but it was easy to get away with not dating girls cause girls who likes girls arent just everywhere

Holly

yeah i know

Marissa

boys who like girls are though

Holly

sure they are

aw i miss you

Marissa

so i just let myself fall into the same patterns over and over

getting comfortable with monotanity

but especially when melissa really crapped on my heart, i realized i can have so much more with a woman than i ever could with a man

Day One:  Sad

Day Two:  Angry

Day Three:  Apathetic

Now I’m in longing.  I saw her for the first time since she basically told me we would never date and the fun was over.  It was weird.  She barely spoke to me.   And unfortunately she looked so hot, I could barely keep my eyes off her.  Last night I texted her asking if she wanted to hang out.  She responded with “I have a date.”  I said “Right on,” and left it at that.  Why did she have to be so candid?  Why couldn’t she just say she had plans?  She loves making me jealous, I guess.  Or maybe she was just testing me to gauge my reaction.  Most likely, it was none of the above.  She doesn’t care about me, doesn’t miss what we had for that short week and yet I can’t get her out of my mind.

Girls…

lounging in my room, trying to look casual